I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
