my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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