Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
