I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
