Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
