he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
