My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
