If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
