2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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