The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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