I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Don't tell me you're on acid again
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
