i just wanna soil my oats bro
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
