Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
