I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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