I met the friendliest cop last night
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Randomize
