That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i dont even know how to be here
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
