I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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