mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
