I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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