I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
