My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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