I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
