So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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