so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
