Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
