I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
