Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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