Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
