a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
