I think im going to throw up on grandma
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Randomize
