your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
