The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
