It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize