I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
