Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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