it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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