Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
