im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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