Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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