I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Randomize
