I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
