had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
