Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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