there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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