I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
