i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
