i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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