You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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