Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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