Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
so that wasnt chicken after all
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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