I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
