You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
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my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
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No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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