my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
