There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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