is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
