My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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