I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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