She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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