Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
