your thong is hanging out like whoa
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
