I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
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Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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