he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
