he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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