you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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