it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Randomize
