im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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