I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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