Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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